Baby Diary: What My Heart is Still Missing

bunn salarzon - baby diary about fertility struggles

A Baby Diary… to keep my heart beating with faith of motherhood one day.

I’ve been praying for 15 long and lonely years.

(A new year to start fresh in 2018; but, first, I want to reflect back to exactly one year ago when hope seemed lost.)

January 2, 2017
Dear Baby: A friend suggested that I find a baby item and place it by my bed to remind us of the journey your dad and I are going through to bring you home. Instead, I chose to start this journal and write to you: Hello, Beautiful (Day).

Dear Baby: After your Lola went to Heaven in April 2016 we spent many weeks trying to restart and figure out what is our new normal… it’s just Dad, Koda, and me in this little condo now.

Dear Baby: It has been nearly 10 years since the last time we spoke with a doctor about why we haven’t been able to get pregnant… not even once. They told us that we’re fine and they cannot find anything wrong with us: Unknown Category. 😣 Then our lives put on hold when we turned our focus to your Lola who lived with dementia.

Dear Baby: This is your kuya Koda. 🐶

Dear Baby: Your dad and I are starting our research to see what will be best for us now. Adoption or fertility treatments cost money… which is why I won’t be retiring from my photo business soon.

Dear Baby: We can always make and replenish money… My fear? Time. Dad and I are not getting any younger; I am 40 and he will be 53 next month. The adoption agency told us that it can take up to 4-5 years to be placed with a baby/child. We’ve already waited 15 years of our lives for the stork. 💔

Dear Baby: This is your dad. You may never know a love greater than his.

January 21, 2017 (Last Diary Entry)
Dear Baby: I am your mom. This may have been the first time I’ve uttered those words in any way. But, I am lost… I don’t know how to find you. Where do I look? Who do I trust? I’m torn because your dad believes you are waiting for us at an adoption agency. But, which one? Our adoption research so far has shown that we will need to save not twice, but thrice more than what we thought we could possibly do on our own. I’m disheartened to think how much longer it will take for us to get to that point, it was already a reach for us to get one-third of the way here.

January 7, 2018
Dear Baby: You are 10 months old today. You are my living, breathing dream come true … My beautiful blessing from Lola and our many angels in Heaven. ❤️